Sarcasm plays a crucial role in fostering husband-wife relationship. It creates a sense of intimacy and connection between spouses, allows partners to discuss difficult or sensitive topics in a more lighthearted manner, and makes the married relationship stronger and healthier.
In this article, I’ve shared the 50 best sarcastic quotes about husband and wife that are witty, hilarious, yet true. You can share these quotes in a lively environment to make your partner, friends, and colleagues laugh.
50 Funny and Sarcastic Quotes about Husband and Wife
1. “An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” — Agatha Christie
2. “My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.” — Winston Churchill.
3. “By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” — Socrates
4. “The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’” — Unknown
5. “We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better, and she couldn’t have done worse.” — Henry Youngman
6. “In my house, I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision-maker.” — Woody Allen.
7. “My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.” — Lee Judge
8. “Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.” — Jerry Seinfeld
9. “Husbands are like fires; they go out if unattended.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
10. “My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.” – Joyce Brothers
11. “A husband is a guy who tells you when you’ve got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.” – Ogden Nash
12. “Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.” – Anonymous
13. “Behind every successful man, there is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey
14. “A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” – Lana Turner
15. “I was married to a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” – Groucho Marx
16. “A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.” – Milton Berle
17. “Husbands are like deck chairs. They’re always out when you need them the most.” – Unknown
18. “A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.” – Anonymous
19. “Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.” – Anonymous
20. “A husband is just a wife’s personal IT guy, always on call to fix anything.” – Anonymous
21. “A wife is someone who’ll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn’t have had if you’d stayed single.” – Unknown
22. “Wives are like grenades… Remove the ring and boom! The house is gone.” – Anonymous
23. “My wife’s cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens.” – Rodney Dangerfield
24. “Nothing makes a wife more beautiful than the belief that she is beautiful.” – Anonymous
25. “After marriage, the other man’s wife looks more beautiful.” – Navjot Sidhu
26. “If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.”- Sam Levenson
27. “Wife is cute when she is mute, and husband is honey when he gives money.” -Anonymous
28. “In my house, I’m the boss; my wife is just the decision maker.” – Woody Allen
29. “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” -Anonymous
30. “She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.” – Tommy Manville
31. “Husbands are like WiFi; you never realize how much you need them until they’re not working.” – Unknown
32. “I asked my husband what he wanted for his birthday. He said, ‘Nothing would make me happier than a divorce.’ So I bought him a cake.” – Anonymous
33. “My husband said he needed more space. So, I locked him outside.” – Unknown
34. “My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.” – Rodney Dangerfield
35. “A husband is someone who thinks he knows everything about you but still asks, ‘What’s wrong?” – Unknown
36. “I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.” -Anonymous
37. “A husband is a man who promised to make his wife’s dreams come true. He’s still working on it.” – Unknown
38. “My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked, and now she’s afraid of the light.” – Rodney Dangerfield
39. “Why do husbands always think they’re the world’s best problem solvers? If that were true, we wouldn’t have so many problems.” – Anonymous
40. “My husband and I are happily married. We’re just not always happy with each other.” – Unknown
41. “My wife and I lived happily for twenty years…. then we met.” -Anonymous
42. “Your wife won’t start an argument with you If you’re cleaning.” -Anonymous
43. “Husbands are like parking spaces. The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.” – Anonymous
44. “We always hold hands; if I let go, she shops.” – Henry Youngman
45. “A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted” -Anonymous
46. “My darling, this scenery makes me speechless. Husband: Perfect, we’re setting up a tent here.” -Anonymous
47. “Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!” -Anonymous
48. “One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip” -Anonymous
49. “Husbands are the best people to share secrets with. They’ll never tell anyone because they aren’t even listening.” – Unknown
50. “My wife and I always compromise. I admit I am wrong, and she agrees with me. -Anonymous
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I’m Murshid Akram, a introvert who love reading and sharing positive vibes through quotes and sayings. I believe with love and compassion we can make this world a better place.