Parenting

Parenting quotes are often sarcastic and witty that make laugh everyone who hears whether they are parent or not. That is why I've collected some of the best sarcastic parenting quotes that are witty and hilarious and compel you to smile. The Best Sarcastic Parenting Quotes of All Time 1. “I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” 2. “You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” 3. I don’t know whether they should say, “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”. ~ Anonymous 4. The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed. – Anonymous 5. “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” — Nora Ephron 6. “You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” — Franklin P Adams 7. “Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”— Amber Dusick 8. “90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous 9. “The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable” -Lane Olinghouse 10. “Both of us can’t look good at the same time; it’s me or the house.” - Anonymous 11. “Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: everyone is yelling, everything is sticky, it’s the same music over and over again, and occasionally pukes.” 112. “Do not compare your dog's problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,427 times a day.” 13. “Having one child makes you a parent. Having two kids makes you a referee.” -David Frost 14. “My kids were all having fun and getting along, and that was the greatest 2 1/2 minutes of the entire summer.” 15. “The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.” 16. “Being a mom means developing ‘The Look'” 17. “Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?” -Alyson Hannigan 18. The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children – Clarence Day 19. Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off. – Ralph Bus 20. Parenting was much easier when I was raising my non-existent kid hypothetically. 21. Having a two year old is like owning a blender that you don’t have the top for – Jerry Seinfeld 22. People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one. – Leo Burk 23. Becoming a mom to me means you have accepted that for the next 16 years you will have a sticky purse – Nia Vandalos 24. The truth about parenting is, if you are going crazy, you are probably doing it right. 25. Great parenting lies somewhere between “don’t do that” and “ah, what the hell.” 26. Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious. 27. Some children threaten to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. – Phyllis Diller 28. Sooner or later we all quote our mothers. – Bern Williams 29. Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories. – John Wilmot 30. I don’t want to sleep like a baby. I want to sleep like my husband. 31. Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy. – Michelle Pfeiffer 32. Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer. ― Jodi Picoult 33. Children aren’t happy without something to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for. – Ogden Nash 34. Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too. – Lionel Kauffman 35. Never have more children than you have car windows. – Erma Bombeck 36. “The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.” Lane Olinghouse 37. “Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home. - Steven Wright 38. “All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.” - Erma Bombeck 39. “No matter how much time you spend reading books or following your intuition, you’re gonna screw it up. Fifty times. You can’t do parenting right.” 40. “I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you’re doing.” - Jim Gaffigan 41. “I feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane, and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.” - Reese Witherspoon 42. “I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.” - Brian Andreas 43. “Motherhood: All love begins and ends there.” - Robert Browning 44. “To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.” - Ernest Hemingway 45. “You want to know what it’s like having a fourth kid? Imagine you’re drowning, then someone hands you a baby.” - Jim Gaffigan 46. “I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.” - Steve Ryan 47. “They say that parenting is like dancing. You take one step, and your child takes another.” - Michael Jackson 48. “When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.” – Erma Bombeck 49. “The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.” - Paul Reiser 50. “Ever had a job where you had no experience, no training, you weren’t allowed to quit and people’s lives were at stake? That’s parenting.” – unknown 51. “Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart 52. “Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.” – John Wilmot 53. “Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford